Oral Survey #43

By Raia Fink

Date: Tue, 20 Jan 1998 14:11:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: ORAL SURVEY: do not open till doomesday!!!

note: new ORAL SURVEYS!! new ORAL SURVEYS!!! new ORAL SURVEYS!!!! The
following ORAL SURVEY was written in 1998. All the previous ORAL
SURVEYS were written in 1995, excepting immitation ORAL SURVEY,
which was written in 1997. Just thought you'd all like to see the
chronology of this beast.

ORAL SURVEY: Answer the following questions aloud.

Part: 1/18/98 (the expiration date on my milk)

1. The sum of all the parts equals:

a) more than the whole
b) two dollar, two dollar, make you holler
c) a grand jury
d) pasteurization and emulsification

2. Manatee tastes like:

a) chicken
b) pork (i hear its true)
c) a goat
d) goat of the sea
e) somewhere between panda and bald eagle

3. Albino people are:

a) people who need people
b) holy
c) really cool, even if they can't come out and play
d) the luckiest people alive
e) the other white meat

4. Assimilate your vocal chords to painstakingly reproduce Tarzan's yell.

5. Is there any escape? From noise?

6. The tastiest flora specimin of all would be:

a) black mangrove, mmm mmm mmm
b) national arrowroot
c) a goat
d) natural juices & berries
e) chia pet
f) dandelion greens, stirred not shaken

Thank you for participating in ORAL SURVEY. Please come again.
#323 "Please feed the animals, especially crackerjacks"
--Life's Little De-struction Book
Yet another note: ah ha! you thought it was over! You thought you could
ride out the ORAL SURVEY tide with minimum pain, and it
would soon end quietly. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Of course, there's still time to withdraw oneself from
the list, the ORAL SURVEY tradition, and whatnot. Sure,
you can still do that. But I'd prefer you give the gift
of ORAL SURVEY to others. That's right. Just send me
an address and it will magically appear on the list,
without charge, like how surveys were meant to be.
Thank you very goddamn much!
Here are some testimonials of how ORAL SURVEY positively changed people's
"I used to be a biiiig loser. Boy o boy was I a dolt. But ever since I
started ORAL SURVEY, my whole world has changed. I scored a 1520 on the
pSAT, and all my teeth grew back. Thank you ORAL SURVEY mistress!"
--Laura 'poop' Nachtrab
"I've always been a rather happening dude, but I felt there were things
missing from my life. Intangible things. So, I started the ORAL SURVEY
program, and since then, I've been spiritual beyond belief. I just had my
fifth bar mitzvah, and let me tell you, the chicks won't leave me alone."
--Roy 'el dorado' Silverstein
"I was glum, feeling blah, down in the dumps. Nothing secial was happening
in my life. Then I started recieving ORAL SURVEYS, and all that ended. Now
I'm dating a muppet, run my own linux server, and I'm as happy as a clam.
All thanks to ORAL SURVEY. You should try it. It really works!"
--Brenda 'boober fraggle' DeBlois
"I was having a bad day. My beloved ferret got stuck, and I was terribly
worried for his wellbeing. After reading through several ORAL SURVEYS, I
finally found the strength I needed to go out and get that vaseline. I'm
thankful for ORAL SURVEYS, and so is Corvax!!"
--Jon 'ferret boy' Fisher
"I really don't know what all the raving is about. I've been participating
in this useless trash they call ORAL SURVEY for as long as I can remember,
and its never done me a bit of good. I'm still a big loser."
--Leah 'I'm above the survey' Bowser
"Well, I had my doubts about ORAL SURVEY at first, but I cannot deny that
things are going really well for me. Why, during my last transect study I
found over twenty thousand different varieties of orchids and a new
species of goat. That cannot be a coincidence. I owe it all to the advent
--Michael 'amoebic wonder' Olson
"It can core a apple! And is wafer thin!!"
--Ben Dover & C. Howett Fields
"Truly, ORAL SURVEY is the one step to happiness that most people lack. I
was way behind on my January term project. Often I stayed up past three in
the morning doing nothing at all productive. Finally, I accepted the light
of ORAL SURVEY into my life. Louis Comfort Tiffany came to me in my sleep,
and all is well. And those times I stay up late now, I can assure you they
are productive!"
--Susan 'cdb' Noblet

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