Cult Library: Eating Leprechauns
Q: Have you ever grown or raised anything for your own consumption?
A: Hi. raia here. I've been racking my brain for a suitable
experience to comment upon since Tuesday, and I'm afraid that, though
I've come close, I've never consumed any of the fruits of my
cultivation or labor. The only plants I've ever grown were
radioactive tomatoes from outer space, and who in their right mind
would risk eating one of those. I've raised many, many pets (turtles,
snakes, lizards, birds, fish, a hermit crab named ferdinand...), but
since I'm the civilized type, as well as a vegetarian, I never ate
any of them. They had names for gods sakes! How could I eat something
I love? And how could I eat something I don't love? That leaves the
gray matter of the food chain (wild nuts and berries, tofu, elves,
and cheetos) for my daily routine consumption.
I don't think this counts, but my older brother made me eat dirt
once. I hadn't previously developed a caring relationship with the
dirt. Well, if it does count, I didn't enjoy it. Not one bit.
Right about this point, I'm beginning to hope that it's not just me,
but my entire supermarket-dependant generation that is having immense
troubles answering this question. That would make me feel like less
of a ecologically unsound loser, anyhow.
Oh, wait! There was that albino leprechaun that I caught once. I kept
him in a cage, and was fattening him up with cookie bits and hard
cider, but he promised me that if i let him free, he would grant me a
wish. It was too tempting. That's how i eventually got revenge on my
brother for making me eat dirt. The leprechaun made him eat a shiny
black beetle with pinchers the size of salad tongues. It was worth
it, not eating that funny little man.
In any event, I believe that's the closest I've ever come to eating
something i had grown or nurtured. I think I'll go now to plant some
beansprouts or alfalfa on my balcony. I'll try and get back to yall
in two or three months with a suitable answer to the question. As of
now, I can only assume that I will gain a great sense of satisfaction
and validation for my efforts. In any event, thanks a heap for the
advanced warning about the question. I feel inadequate.
Should i have eaten the leprechaun? In retrospect, everything seems clearer.
Last modified: 1/3/2000