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Cult Library: Knowledge

GMF's Wise-Ass Compendium of Human Knowledge

(quotes and other things poorly disguised as quotes)


"I can gather all the news I need from the weather report"

—Simon & Garfunkel

"Strange as it may seem, my life is based upon a true story"

—Dan Quayle

"When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist"

—Dom Helder Camara

"There was a missionary and I called him son and gave him a name and tried to give him this story but he would not take it because he said that this is not the way things were in the beginning. But I was not proud to have him as my son because he says that there is only one path through the forest and he knows the right path, but I say there are many paths, and how can you know the best path unless you have walked them all? He walked too long on one path and he does not know that there are other paths. And I am one hundred and one, and I know that sometimes many paths go to the same place"

—Chief White Calf (Blackfeet)

"Was there ever any danger? no, no, not really"

—Simon & Garfunkel

"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away"

—Tom Waits

"Corruption is always a hit or miss affair"

—John Moore

"You gotta dance like nobody's watching, and love it like its never gonna hurt"


"People wonder why kids grow up to be crazy. Ever look at a cat's cradle? No damn cat, no damn cradle."

—Kurt Vonnegut

"I'm a member of an ape-like race in the ass hole end of the twentieth century"


"Life's short and hard, like a body building elf"

—Bloodhound Gang

"When I was a painter I painted you out. Too bad I had to die"

—Kim Deal

"We make with the quarrel with others, rhetoric, but of the quarrel with ourselves, poetry"


"What is a sadist? A sadist is one who is kind to a masochist"

—A. Koestler

"I try not to forget all the things that haven't happened yet, and on this I place my last bet"

—Dave Pirner

"But the truth is I could no more stop dreaming than I could make it all come true"

—Peter, Paul & Mary

"It's a poor sort of memory which only works backwards"

—The red queen

"Maybe it was my fault all along, cause I'm constantly talking in pictures and song. For anyone else this would be the best days of his lifetime, but not for me. It's just Wednesday, or some other day"

—Inspiral Carpets

"I would be Christian if it were not for Christians"


"Who can own a rock? Who can own a tree?"

—Ernest P. Warrell

"We can sympathize with a child that is afraid of the dark, but that tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light"


"If there's anything a nonconformist hates more than a conformist, its another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity"

—Bill Vaughan

"So you ask me what I'm doing here, holding up this lamp post, flipping this here quarter trying to make up my mind. If it's heads I'll go to Tennessee, tails I'll buy a drink, and if it lands on the edge I'll keep talking to you"

—Tom Waits

"Hey, I got nothing to do today but smile"




"If you would fear me, love me, do everything I say, then I could be your slave"

—David Bowie

"And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make"

—John Lennon

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with"

—Stephen Stills

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love"

—Charlie Brown


Things to Say if You Want to Get Smacked

"And then he said 'Baby, up your butt with a coconut', and he was prepared to do it...but I saw no coconut"


"My goodness me the clock has struck, alackaday and fuck my luck!"

—Kurt Vonnegut


—the Raven

"The face of a child says a lot; especially the mouth of a child"


"If it ain't one thing, it's your mother"


"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal"

—Jello Biafra, Dead Kennedys

"No, you're the vulgarian, you fuck! Now apologize!"


"I am Spartacus!"


"Don't you try to out-weird me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal"

—Zaphod Beeblebrox (Douglas Adams)

"There's three types of people: Those who can count and those who can't"


"If ass holes could fly, this place would be an airport"


"You may be right, you may be crazy, me, three"


"Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes"


"Me winning isn't, you do"

—Chevy Chase

"If you cant be kind, be kinda vague"


"You shouldn't date ugly people cause you jest never know when you're going to fall in love"

—Randy Wayne White

"Smile, it's the seventh best thing you can do with your mouth"


"Do you know why they call me the count? because I like to count! 1...ah hahaha ...2...ah hahaha...3...ah hahaha..."

—the Count

"Pardon the mess...I live here"


"Two men enter, one man leaves"

—Tina Turner



"The piano has been drinking, not me"

—Tom Waits

"We want far better reasons for having children than not knowing how to prevent them"

—Dora Russell

"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy"

—Tom Waits

"There's nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex; people should be free with sex...they should draw the line at goats"


"I only make love to keep my feet warm"

—Brian Eno

"I always tell Karl to bet on the three-legged dog. It's a sure win. Why else would it be racing?"

—Dave Pirner

"Health nuts are going to feel really stupid someday, lying in hospital beds, dying of nothing"


"We burn the fields completely"

—Kim Deal

Last modified: 12/29/99